Queens Speech

Happy birthday to me

Two years ago, you came into my life and changed it forever.

I’m not going to lie to you, I hated you for a long time. Even now, there are days when I curse you.

You’re a complete pain in the arse sometimes.

You swept in from nowhere, caused me pain and made me doubt I’d ever feel anything other than fear.

I wouldn’t mind, but you’re such a bloody drama queen!

It was always all about you in those early days.

You arrived in a storm cloud of tests and hospital visits and endless hours of worry.

A sea of scans and of odds of disability and of warnings.

A ticking clock.

You made me depressed, anxious and downright defeated. I crawled through every day.

You even took my eyesight in one of my eyes for a time. I remember being in so much pain it scared me.

Fear – you brought so much of it back then. And anger at why you’d chosen me.

And disbelief that nothing the Dr gave me could rid me of whatever you were.

You drained me physically and emotionally. 

You made my cry. A lot. Often at night when the business of the day was done and it was just you and me.

When the distractions had gone and there was quiet. I heard you loudly then. 

That force of nature. The voice that wouldn’t be silenced.

I didn’t want you there and you knew it. I fought you really hard back then.

I thought you’d taken away my future and let’s be honest, you were brutal and cruel at the start. 

I didn’t know how to deal with you and I lashed out because I was confused and lonely and everything felt so dark.

But both of us knew it couldn’t go on the way it started and I became tired of fighting you every day. 

I began to realise you weren’t going to go away. You were with me for the rest of my life. 

Rain, hail or shine.

And at the bottom of that well of darkness, I started to look up. 

And I started to see you for what you were.

You weren’t a punishment or a burden.

You were a lesson, you were a teacher and you were a guide.

I finally accepted you.

I started to realise why you and I are supposed to be together.

We are bound together forever you and I – so I realised I needed to find a way to live in harmony with you.

It wasn’t easy. You were never going to make it easy for me.

I realise now that was part of the lesson.

I learned to accept the tests, accept the injections and the pills, accept the fatigue, accept the boundaries that came with you being in my life.

I learned that although you are with me always, that there are some parts of the old me that still remain. 

I am still Cara. You won’t take that from me. And you have no desire to.

You’ve taught me to challenge my thinking. You’ve taught me to accept what I can’t change.

You’ve shown me that although some days are really bad, there are still good things in every day to be grateful for.

You’ve taught me to aim high, to not be afraid to fall.

You’ve taught me to get back up again when you knock me down.

You’ve taught me true gratitude.

Without you, there would be no balance. When you talk now, I listen. 

You remind me to rest and to be thankful and to cherish my life.

Without you, there would be no Queendom.

So for all of that, I thank you. 

You and I have a long path to walk together, but I’m ready now to take you hand and see where it will all lead me. 

Without resistance.

And further down our journey together, whatever you bring, I will be ready. 

Happy 2nd birthday MS. You have been the gift I never thought I needed, but one which has helped transform me forever.

14 comments

  1. Cara you and only you could write this.
    You couldn’t have nailed how others feel about different life changing events. The same feelings, emotions and hates, fears, loves and dreams. Life leads you on some weird pathways no short cuts and runaways.
    Acceptance however is THE hardest and you I and others fight that everyday. Somehow though the lessons are learnt in the end. Life, Iove, family and gratitude. That’s all there is x ❤️ love you. X

    1. Thank you ‘Chelle that’s so kind. It’s nice to share with all of you and get that kind of comment back. We feel less alone in it all if we know we are all in it together I think x

  2. After a recent health scare (brief and which, thankfully, came to nothing) I’ve read this and been put to shame. You’ve always struck me as a positive soul, but this blog shows just how much strength there is behind that.

    1. I’m glad the health scare was just that and nothing more. I always think you never know you’re on strength until it’s tested. And some days are better than others, believe me!

  3. Keep fighting the good fight. Stay strong and positive. This set back has made you into the amazing woman you are 😘

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